In the two-and-a-half years since I started my transition, one of the hard truths that I’ve had to learn is that “I can’t trust myself”. It may seem like a fairly extreme statement, but it’s something that I find I need to keep reminding myself on a regular basis, to the point it’s basically become some kind of mantra. Let me explain:

Dysphoria is a heck of a thing to experience. At times it’s quite manageable, but other times it’s like an insidious shadow that creeps into my every day and causes untold stress and anxiety. On those darker days, it’s impossible to see myself in the mirror and not want to cry. Dysphoria taints any perception of myself, and makes it quite difficult to maintain any sense of confidence in who I am.

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A while ago, I wrote a post (which you can find here) about the concept of passing as a transgender person. The post itself was more of a personal account on how it relates towards myself and my goals throughout transition, however there’s a lot more that could be said on the topic, and I see discussions come up about it fairly often in the transgender community.

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What is Transgender Day of Visibility?

Falling on March 31st each year, Transgender Day of Visibility is a worldwide day for transgender and other gender non-conforming people to celebrate their identities and to bring awareness to the issues they face in society. Despite increasing awareness of transgender people through traditional and social media, there is still a lot of misinformation, misunderstanding and discrimination out there. Transgender Day of Visibility gives them a chance to share their stories and experiences, and allows allies to show their support towards the trans people in their lives, as well as those worldwide.

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A while ago, I posted what I called a mind dump about my insecurities and fears about me beginning to look for new work as I’d left my previous job. There was a lot on my mind at the time, and I think the stress of needing to find a new job before my savings ran out added to those fears. Since then, around the middle of December, I started working again at a new job, and so far I’m loving it. The team that I’m training with are all amazing people and I feel like we’re all becoming great friends. I’m much more happy than I was at my old job, and the change was sorely needed.

However, it’s brought up a new and kind of unforeseen set of doubts and struggle in my mind – “do they know?”.

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“Him”. The unspoken one. He who must not be named. No, I’m not talking about Voldemort, though that would be kinda cool. No, I’m talking about his less evil cousin – the person who I was before beginning my transition. The old me who was the caretaker of my body for a good 32 years before I finally acknowledged my true self.

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